Everything you never wanted to know and more!
by Sake Bottle Swing
Summary: Uhoh. The Diary entries of the Sohma family have been found, and Yuki's got the whipped cream! Some interesting discoveries have been made...Slash, lingo,everything you can think of, we got, folks! Chapter 2: kyo's journal and he's too sexy.
1. tohru's farout la la la journal

'Allo, everyone. This is a fantabulous story co-written by the authors Sake Bottle Swing and SilverScreenStar (many S's.)

Disclaimer: No one is owned. This is an OFFENSIVE story, don't like, don't read. There is a LOT of character bashing. No one is safe.

Kisses and Hugs

The OHMIGOD OHMIGOD TROUSERS WITH RAINBOWS! Secret Journals of Tohru Honda

3:30 am

Time to rise and shine! Oh, there's so much to do at 3:30 in the morning! I have to be up nice and early to clean the house, take my SUPER HAPPY PILLS! and prepare an 11 course meal for dinner! Hahaha my pills are smiling at me...smile smile...okay, where's that water?

3:45 am

YAY! YAY! RAINBOWS AND STARSHINE!

4:00 am

Kyo just woke up and he had to use the bathroom. I looked at his pajamas and asked him, "Kyo, did you take the cucumber I need for the salad? I can't find it anywhere..." He pretended not to hear me.

4:15 am

...He sure has been in there a long time. Oh! Here he comes!...Why is he limping? I just want my cucumber back.

4:20 am

Silly kitty, leaving smushed cucumber on the bathroom sink! I'll just put that right into the salad...

5:30 am

Uh-oh. Shigure is on a rampage. I don't know what for, but he seems to be throwing pots around in his room. Something about not being able to go to the Parent-Teacher Conference. It's not that big of a deal, is it?

5:47 am

Remember what Mama said, "Tohru, Prozac is your best friend, but nobody is closer to you than I. And for God's sake, try to get a higher grade than a D in sex education! Remember what I told you about the bananas and the boxes? DO YOU? blah blah blah..."

6:00 am

I hate my mom.

6:10 am

Mmmm...this salad tastes delicious. I thought I would sample it to make sure that the family doesn't get food poison from it, or something.

6:20 am

OK, I AM _SICK_ AND TIRED OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING SOHMA HOUSEHOLD! WHAT HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR ME? AND WHAT IS THIS? I HAVE TO _CLEAN HOUSE_! AND I DON'T EVEN GET A DECENT FUCK BUDDY! AND WHAT'S WITH SHIGURE COMING IN AT 12 MIDNIGHT TO PLAY "FIND THE DOGGY BONE"?

6:30 am

It's an incredible feeling once the Valium kicks in!...zzzzzzz...

7:00 am

Why did I suddenly wake up on the kitchen floor with no recollection of the past three hours and a killer headache? Oh well...EH? I NEED TO PACK YUKI AND KYO'S LUNCHES! OH NOOOOOOOOOO!

7:01 am

Lunches packed in record time! Go meeeee! Go meeee!

8:00 am

Yuki and Kyo are fighting again. I hope they kill...I mean don't hurt each other! Hehehe...(cough cough)

8:04 am

(Four million sweat drops later) Yuki won. Again. God, this is getting monomonous.

8:05 am

Is that a word?

8:10 am

SCHOOL TIME! SCHOOL TIME! YAY!

9:00 am

Uo and Hana just told me that they have a very big secret. I wonder what that secret is...?

9:30 am

Uo and Hana have been awfully close lately.

9:35 am

They're ignoring me.

10:00 am

Oh no! Hana was choking on a piece of takoyaki! Thankfully, Uo saved her by sucking it out of her mouth.

10:05 am

Why would she be eating takoyaki at 10:00? Sometimes they just don't make sense.

10:10 am

Silly best friends!

10:11 am

Uh-oh...I hear distant rumbling in the background.

10:11 am...still

Haru found the butterfly. Why was he looking for it anyway?

11:00 am

Kyo asked Uo why she was "making out" with Hana. What does "making out?" mean?

11:30 am

Kyo says that Uo and Hana are gay and that I'm retarded.

11:31 am

How sweet of him!

11:35 am

Yuki came over and said something about a wild time in the janitor's closet. I guess janitor's are people too, and can have parties if they want to. Why is it such a big deal? Oh...Yuki said that there aren't supposed to be "condoms" on the floor when they are done.

11:40 am

I will nod knowingly and pretend I understand.

12:00 pm

LUNCH TIME! LUNCH TIME! YAY!

12:01 pm

Ooh...I can't see straight! Kyo hit me hard that time.

12:15 pm

After a delightful lunch of cucumbers and -AHHHAHAHAHAHAHAA! PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLSSSSSSSSS!...shougayaki...what was I saying?

12:27 pm

My world is slowly collapsing around me. PAIN! I LOVE THE PAIN! Gah...the razor...WHERE IS IT?

12:30 pm

Ah...it's nice when the Ritalin kicks in. All is well in Happy-Happy-La-La-La-Tohru Land.

1:00 pm

The teacher was saying something about sea cucumbers and sea urchins and other things but I couldn't focus on it at all. I kept thinking about why everyone in the Sohma house is so weird...but beautiful...but weird...

1:15 pm

Maybe that's why I got all those red marks last term.

2:00 pm

Oooh, little first year, hello! What are you doing? No, that's my backpack...you can't have it...MINE! MINE! GET YOUR DIRTY MITTS OFF OF IT!

3:00 pm

I guess it's against school rules to shove first-years into garbage cans. Kyo said he was very proud of me. I said a bunch of words I didn't even know that I knew and got into more trouble!

3:30 pm

I hate it when I have those weird lapses. They make me feel all fuzzy inside...fuzzy and ANGRY!

4:00 pm

Okay, no time for homework, I've decided to add a cheese course to tonight's meal for Yuki! Speaking of Yuki he didn't walk home with us today. He said something about having to clean up something after school. I asked him "Doesn't the janitor do that?" and he muttered something and turned a funny color.

4:10 pm

Not only is Yuki missing, but Hatsuharu-san is nowhere to be found as well.

4:11 pm

A mystery.

4:30 pm

Shigure was sitting at his desk when we got home with the corpse of Mii-chan underneath it. Apparently she couldn't take it anymore.

5:35 pm

Mii-chan is starting to get a bit stinky. I hope Shigure moves her before bugs start getting into the house.

Damned suicidal editors! I mean...eh...er...what was I saying?

6:15 pm

Yuki and Haru finally came home—I was so worried about them! Haru said they were off picking berries and Yuki nodded in agreement. Then Haru said something else about sticks and Yuki punched him. He seems to do that a lot.

7:25 pm

Uh-oh. Everyone was throwing up in the bathroom after dinner today. Was it something I cooked? Maybe it was the salad? One of the recipes called for baking soda, but we didn't have any so I used soda ash instead. Aren't they the same thing?

7:35 pm

Why is everyone yelling at me?

7:45 pm

Ooh...lamp posts.

8:00 pm

Found Momiji dancing to some rap music in his room.

8:01 pm

What does, "ho's in the house" mean?

8:05 pm

Is Kyo a ho?

8:15 pm

Maybe he will tell me!

8:30 pm

Ouch. Guess not. Maybe _I'm_ a ho.

8:31 pm

Well, everyone has stopped throwing up now, but Haru has gone black and is rampaging around the garden. I hope Yuki's plants are OK, because then he'll get mad and jump on Haru's back again.

8:32 pm

_I_ wanna play leap frog, but they said I couldn't! That's not FAIR!

8:35 pm

Good news. Haru didn't trash the garden. Bad news, they are playing leap frog again and not letting me play. Silly boys.

9:00 pm

I'm so happy! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! My parents are on "vacation"! YAY! Happy!

9:02 pm

No more happy...sad...more sad...my mom and my dad are dead...WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

9:03 pm

Life is pain. Life is pointless.

9:05 pm

Kyo asked me what was wrong, and I said that I was upset. He yelled, "BOTH YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD, GET OVER YOURSELF!"

9:10 pm

Hahahahaha! Haha, silly Kyo! My parents aren't really dead, they're just on vacation! they'll be coming back any minute now...any minute now...

9:30 pm

Any minute now...

10:00 pm

Shigure asked what I was doing. I told him I was waiting for my parents to get back from Ibiza. He shook his head and muttered something about cutting back on my medication.

10:01 pm

How could he? HE WILL NEVER TOUCH MY MEDICATION! EVER!

10:14 pm

Shigure found me on the steps sobbing about onions. He gave me a little pill and said it would make me feel all better.

10:35 pm

I wonder whatever happened to Hatsuharu and Yu-zzzzzzzzzzz...


	2. kyo's what up big GOD unit journal

The Super-Tippity-Top What Up? G-Unit Home Slice Secret Journals of Kyo Sohma

6:00 am

Well, today should be eventful, but I'm fully prepared.

6:10 am

Got My hair comb, gel, cologne, and portable mirror ready to go in My school bag. I'm SO much sexier than Yuki.

6:16 am

Got breakfast and asked for My super-awesome bowl that has a looking glass in the bottom.

6:17 am

Hi, Me!

6:20 am

ANYWAY, rambled pointlessly with Tohru about something that had to do with cucumbers and onions, but I didn't really get it all. EXCUSE Me if I got distracted by My reflection directly over her head.

6:21 am

Damn, I'm a sexy bitch.

7:00 pm

Yuki asked me why the top of My hair was black. I told him to fuck off, it wasn't. He said yes it was, and since I looked in the mirror so often I should notice these things. So I stormed off to the nearest mirror in a very angsty yet sexy way and looked at My hair.

7:01 pm

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

7:02 pm

I need to re-color My hair. The orange dye is starting to grow out! OMG OMG OMG! OMFG! OMFA (oh my fucking Akito...scary).

7:45 am

As I walked into school this morning all the girls started swooning and fainting. I have that effect on people. Oh hellz yeah! I am a sexy mothafucka.

8:00 am

God, Haru's annoying. The whole time before homeroom he was like "Blah blah blah Kyo I love you blah blah blah sleep with me blah blah moo moo mooo..." or something like that.

8:30 am

Well, I can't blame him. I _am _pretty damn sexy. _I'd_ sleep with Me.

8:31 am

It's hard to be so hot. Whenever Tohru, Yuki, and **Me** walk down the hall, people just DROP.

8:32 am

I swear, if I hear that damn cow say one more time, "Baka neko, they aren't swooning over you. They're swooning over Yuki," I'll grind his face into the floor. I bet he'd like that. Effin' queer.

9:00 am

Listened to pointless ramble from Sensei until my ears bled, then went for a quick lipst-I mean...hair...check in the boy's room. It's not that bad, actually.

9:01 am

Actually, it's pretty smokin'.

9:10 am

Got scolded for taking so long. Beauty takes time. Not like SHE would know.

9:15 am

Sensei is so ugly.

9:16 am

I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy, it hurts.

12:00 pm

Lunch time. Eating the shit that Tohru made us. Apparently this brown stuff is natto. EW.

12:01 pm

Ah, but it's good for the skin, as Hana says...

12: 02 pm

munch munch munch

12:05 pm

Do I have time to go home and apply My seaweed mask? No, too risky. I want to give My skin the treat it deserves. I'll wait til tonight.

12:30 pm

I'm too sexy to be a cat, too sexy to be a cat...damn I forgot the words.

1:00 pm

What was Yuki doing borrowing my "Right Said Fred" CD? Come to think of it, why were he and Haru dancing to it? In a suggestive way?

Without Me?

1:15 pm

God Tohru is a complete moron. She just asked Me what I was doing. I said, "dyeing My hair, what does it look like?" She looked at Me like she was very confused (she was) and went back to looking around with that dopey look on her face with her bloodshot eyes.

Bloodshot eyes are sooooooo unattractive.

1:17 pm

Damn Sensei for taking my hair dye away and beating Me senseless with her clipboard. Actually it was kinda sexy...I mean it hurt a lot. Yeah. It hurt and I did NOT like it. Right.

1:45 pm

Haru and Yuki keep following Me around. It's getting very VERY annoying. I raised my eyes behind my $500 Ray Bans and said, "WHAT is your problem? You are in MY personal space, stay at least five feet back unless you want a favor. Then we can talk."

Yuki looked at me with his purple eyes (so very ugly on a man. They make him look queer) and said. "I'm sorry, Master Kyo and ultimate Sexiness, but...can my little buddy and I borrow your George Michael CD? Here's Right Said Fred..."

1:50 pm

Actually, that's not what he said, he actually punched Me in My perfect face. Just because I punched him for scratching my CD. He has no idea how to take care of things, except for Haru. Why can't he take care of Me?

Because I am My ultimate caregiver, that's why.

1:55 pm

...Where'd he get those violet contacts?

2:00 pm

Almost time to go home. Then I can eat NORMAL food, talk to NORMAL people, and do My NORMAL beauty routine.

Who am I kidding?

2:10 pm

Just twenty more minutes aaaand...

OUCH!

A BEE stung my lip!

But it gave it a nice pouty effect...looks pretty HAWT...

2:30 pm

MY FACE IS THE SIZE OF A MOTHERFUCKING HOT AIR BALLOON.

2:35 pm

Momiji's comment of, "It can be seen from space" didn't help that much.

2:40 pm

Bet he blows Haru in his spare time.

2:45 pm

Once I'm done with that mothafucka, he won't have a mouth to say that kind of shit OR blow anybody from!

3:00 pm

I should go to My mommy about this...oh yeah, she's dead.

3:01 pm

Oh porcelain urn on the mantle that I have broken a few times, Haru's making fun of Me!

3:02 pm

Mommy didn't say anything. Fuck her.

3:30 pm

Why does everyone call Me a "Beauty Queen" and a "Diva"? I am NOT a beauty queen or a diva, I am a god. I am at least fifty times sexier than Akito ever was. Especially when he/she PMS's.

3:35 pm

Ahh...only Haddaway understands me.

3:40 pm

Nobody got that, I'm sure. Oh well...mmmm glazed donuts.

3:59 pm

It's almost 4.

I'm not bored or anything.

4:10 pm

Shigure finally realized that my face was the size of North America and called the doctor among much frenzied activity that included speeding to the phone, dialing hastily, and screaming into the receiver, "KYO LOOKS LIKE A MAD DEMON FROM THE PLANET ZARCON! SOMEBODY HELP!"

4:15 pm

I didn't know demons were that sexy.

5:00 pm

Haru and Yuki were dancing to Freedom 90.

I shall go join them, I think.

Maybe.

Do I dare showcase my true feelings for the beautiful Yuki?

I don't think I should. Haru would probably eat me or something to that nature.

He'd explode from the intense hotness that becomes Me.

7:00 pm

My face is shrinking. Slightly. I don't look quite so much like a puffer fish now.

10:00 pm

Yuki yelled at Me for drinking the last of the milk. Excuse me, Mr. I-got-raped-by-Akito-as-a-kid-therefore-I-am-special, I did NOT drink the last of the milk. I used it for my milk bath, which as you all know works wonders for the complexion.

Anyway he got all fussy and started attacking Me. After I punched him, at first. Then I threw him through the screen door, and it was ON.

10:05 pm

I'M GOING TO BEAT HIM I'M GOING TO BEAT HIM WITH MY FACE THE SIZE OF VENEZUELA! HAHAHAHA!

10:06 pm

DAMMIT! WHERE'D THAT RIGHT HOOK COME FROM? I HATE HIM!

10:10 pm

Yuki is going to be ground up and turned into hair gel.

Night, all you ugly people. No autographs, please.

Reviews are well-loved!


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